


Speak Now

by wabadabadaba



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, I don't write Harry and Zayn very well but I had this idea, If you have a fear of throwing up there is hinting at it but it is not explicit, M/M, Panic Attacks, and I had to get it out of my brain, antics, puke, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:02:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23462902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wabadabadaba/pseuds/wabadabadaba
Summary: "Zayn,"Tricia sighed."This could be the time you can open up and talk. Think of how wonderful it would be for other people to hear your voice than just us, sunshine."or the one where Zayn only talks to his family and Harry weasels his way in.
Relationships: Zayn Malik/Harry Styles
Comments: 6
Kudos: 77





	Speak Now

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea for a few days and decided to try and write it. I am going to be honest, I didn't do a lot of research into selective mutism; I read one website. I have no excuse other than I was watching Next Gen while writing and kept getting distracted by John Krasinski's sweet, sweet voice. Anywho.
> 
> I hope you all are okay and you enjoy this.

Zayn twirled his pen in between his fingers as he listened to the teacher explain the group project she was planning. He could feel the familiar triggers for his anxiety and he desperately tried to calm himself down; his history teacher was one of the few who actually gave him leniency. Zayn's palms started to sweat, a ball in his chest started to form and he could tell he was beginning to have a headache.

He wiped his hands on his pants as his teacher called out names in groups. 

"Our last group will be Harry, Liam, Niall, Louis, and Zayn."

Zayn's head snapped up as he looked at his teacher who gave him a reassuring smile. He glanced around the room to Louis, who was whispering to Liam. He watched as they both turned to look at him. Zayn could feel his skin prickling and the ball tightening in his chest. 

_They're talking about me_ , Zayn thought. _They think I'm a freak and now I have to be in a group with them. They are just going to shut me out. They are going to make fun of me. They are going to assume I'm stupid._

Zayn's left foot started shaking and he knew he had to calm down or he was going to have a panic attack. He stood up from his seat and practically ran out of the classroom and to the nearest bathroom. 

_Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't._ Zayn closed his eyes and balled his hands into fists. _One, two, three, four-_

"Zayn? Mrs. Turner wanted me to check on you."

Zayn opened his eyes, seeing Harry stand before him. His curly hair was in disarray and he looked concerned. His hands were behind his back and his feet were turned inwards. 

"Hey," Harry smiled. 

Zayn didn't say anything, of course, he felt like he couldn't breathe and his body temperature was rising. Zayn looked away from Harry and turned towards the windows, he tried to open it but it didn't work. Zayn leaned against the wall as he tried counting to ten again. 

"Here you go."

Zayn looked up from the ground and accepted the wet paper towel. He pressed it to the back of his neck and attempted to smile at Harry but his body felt like it had run a marathon. 

"My older sister used to get bad panic attacks," Harry spoke up. "She would always complain that it felt like she had a fever when it started and if we weren't able to get her outside, a wet washcloth typically helped. I don't know if it's the same for you but," Harry trailed off. "Uhm, yeah so I'll leave you be and tell Mrs. Turner you'll be back in a few minutes."

Zayn nodded and watched as Harry left the bathroom. Once he was gone, Zayn finally felt like he could breathe. He kept the cool paper towel against his neck as he counted to ten. Zayn tossed the paper towel in the garbage and looked at himself in the mirror.

_You can't even say thank you to someone who tried to help, pathetic._

♡

It was hot in Liam's house and Zayn was sure he was going to have a panic attack at any second. It was their first official day working on the group project and Zayn tried to get out of it but his teacher nor his parents would let him.

 _"Zayn,"_ Tricia sighed. _"This could be the time you can open up and talk. Think of how wonderful it would be for other people to hear your voice than just us, sunshine."_

Zayn knew he wasn't going to talk to the group of boys sprawled out across Liam's room. The boys were too rowdy, too inconsistent for him to ever feel like he could speak up around him. The conversation changed in the blink of an eye and they were so loud. Even if Zayn could talk to them, his voice would be drowned out by Louis's loud laughter or Niall yelling about something irrelevant and Liam trying to get everyone's attention. If there was ever a lull in conversation Harry would repeat some terrible joke he read on the back of a cereal box causing the rest of the boys to yell or even throw things at him. 

It was amusing to Zayn but he knew he couldn't fit in and there was no use in giving himself false hope for true friendship. 

It had been a few hours and they really hadn't done much work but Zayn was thankful for the break. He followed the rest of the boys downstairs and sat at one of the tables in Liam's backyard as the rest of them kicked around a football. 

Harry sat down next to him and smiled. "How are doing? I know we're a lot sometimes."

Zayn scoffed and nodded, almost smiling at Harry who was grinning at him.

"Hey," Harry grinned and rested his elbows on his knees. "Why was the sand wet?" Zayn raised an eyebrow so Harry continued. "Because the sea weed." 

Zayn knew his facial expression must have been awful but that didn't stop Harry from laughing loudly. He reached over and lightly tapped Zayn's knee. 

"Sea weed," Harry grinned. "Get it?" Zayn rolled his eyes and nodded. "One of these days I'm going to tell a joke that makes you smile."

Zayn rolled his eyes again and shook his head. He ignored the way Harry looked at him and was immensely thankful when Louis dragged Harry out of the chair to play football.

Later that evening, after working on the project for a few hours he emailed Liam what he researched so far and asked for his opinion. He closed his laptop and went to the living room where his mom and sisters were watching a movie.

"Hey mom," Zayn spoke up, his voice soft and hoarse from not talking all day. "Why was the sand wet?"

"I don't know, sunshine," Tricia was already smiling, she loved when Zayn talked to her. "Why?"

"Because the sea weed," he smiled.

Tricia laughed while his sisters threw popcorn at him and called him cheesy. Zayn threw the popcorn back at his sisters before settling into the couch to watch the movie with them.

♡

"For once, can we all just focus and do the work we're supposed to be doing?" Liam asked, pouting as the rest of the group ignored him in favor or trying to see how many marshmallows Niall could fit in his mouth. "You're my only hope," Liam sighed, talking to Zayn.

 _Star Wars, reference?_ Zayn typed into his phone and showing it to Liam.

"Yeah," he smiled. "I love those movies! Do you?"

Zayn shrugged and quickly typed a new message. _They're okay, more into superheroes though._

The sound of Niall choking caused Zayn to look up at him. There was drool coming out the sides of his mouth as he tried to stuff one more marshmallow in. 

"Niall," Harry grinned. 

"Harry," Liam glared. "Don't even think about it."

"An Italian chef has died, he pasta way."

Zayn watched in horror as Niall laughed, marshmallow and spit coming out of his mouth. Zayn turned away as he heard Liam yell and Harry and Louis laughed. 

Zayn ignored the rest of the group as Niall ran off to throw up and Liam forced Harry and Louis to clean up the mess they created. He focused on the textbook in front of him. He could see Harry eyeing him from the corner of his eye but he kept trying to read the paragraph. 

"So," Harry slid beside Zayn on the couch. "How funny was that on a scale from one to ten?" Zayn held up his hands in the shape of a zero. "Zero!?" Harry sighed as he shook his head. "It's going to be tougher to crack you than I thought."

After Niall cleaned himself up and Liam was able to clean his carpet, they finally started working again. It was their third time getting together outside of school and they weren't any closer to even being halfway done with their project. 

Much like the other times they tried to work, Zayn got home and worked independently and sent what he had to Liam. Later in the evening when Zayn was helping his mother put away the dishes he repeated Harry's joke.

"Where are you getting all these terrible jokes from?" Tricia laughed.

Zayn simply shook his head, he didn't want to admit to him that he was even somewhat enjoying his time with his group mates. He knew they were only being nice to them because they had to and once they turned in their project, they were going to go back to ignoring him.

♡

"Hey!" Zayn could tell by the shoes that Harry was the one who was blocking the sun from him. "Can I sit with you?"

Zayn knew he was going to do it anyway so Zayn didn't make a move either way. Harry sat down on the bench beside him and started eating his lunch.

"Can you believe Liam's texts about working on the project?" Harry complained. "I mean it's bad enough he makes us work on the weekends but to text us too?"

Zayn didn't know what Harry was talking about and apparently the look Zayn was giving Harry proved that.

"He's been texting us nonstop!"

Zayn pulled out his phone and opened the thread Liam started with him after their first group meeting; Liam thought it was important to have his number in case he needed it for the project. There were only a few texts between them and they were mostly talking about why AntMan was the worst Marvel movie.

"Wait," Harry pouted. "He doesn't get on your case about work?"

Zayn opened a new note on his phone to type out his reply.

_No, probably because I am actually doing my portion of the project._

"Oh come on!" Harry groaned. "Not you too," he pouted. Zayn just shrugged. "I can't seem to focus. Every time I get home I try and study but I get so," Harry trailed off. "It doesn't help that Louis is always at my house and he never works. I have an idea!"

Zayn could tell by the look in Harry's eye that he was not going to like whatever Harry was going to say.

"I could come over to your house after school and work on it with you. Please?"

Harry dipped his head to the side, his bottom lip jutted out and his curls falling in front of his eyes. He looked like a puppy dog and before Zayn could stop himself, he nodded.

Having Harry in his house was different than what he imagined while he was at school. Harry charmed his sisters easily and didn't take up as much space as he had at Liam's house. Zayn didn't feel as nervous with being one on one with Harry.

Harry complimented the music Zayn chose, he didn't talk as much, didn't say any cheesy jokes and most of all, he didn't try and make Zayn talk like Louis always did when they were together. It was comfortable being with Harry and they easily found a rhythm studying together.

When Zayn heard his mom get home he rushed downstairs and met his mom at the door.

"I have someone here," Zayn told her. "He is one of the guys from the group."

"Okay," Tricia smiled.

"Be cool," Zayn begged his mom.

"I will sunshine!"

"And don't call me sunshine!"

Zayn walked away from his mom and took the steps two at a time. When he walked back into his room Harry was looking at all of the artwork on his wall above the desk.

"Did you do these?" Harry asked. Zayn nodded. "They're awesome, you're really talented."

Zayn smiled and nodded, trying to convey his gratitude before sitting back down and getting back to work. 

A few hours later, Tricia knocked on the door and insisted Zayn's _friend_ stay for dinner. Zayn tried to show her that he didn't want that but his mom ignored him and focused on Harry, who instantly agreed to stay.

After dinner Harry went back to Zayn's room to gather his belongings to head home. Zayn helped his mom with the dishes.

"He's nice, sunshine and cute."

"Mom," Zayn mumbled. "Please."

"What?" Tricia grinned. "I'm just saying. Wouldn't be so bad for you to have a boyfriend."

"I should probably have friends first though and that hasn't happened yet."

"You talk?" Zayn whipped around to see Harry in the doorway of the kitchen and tried not to blush. "And you don't think I'm your friend?"

Tricia reached out for Zayn but he stepped away from her. He pushed past Harry and ran up to his room, he could hear Harry explaining to his mom that he thought they were friends. His chest started to tighten and his palms began to sweat.

"No," Zayn shook his head. "No, no no, it's fine. I'm fine."

He heard the door open and close again and he tried not to worry about what Harry was thinking or what he was going to tell everyone at school. 

"Zayn?" Tricia knocked on the door before opening it slightly. "Harry left, he wanted me to tell you he was sorry. He wasn't trying to eavesdrop."

Zayn shook his head, doesn't matter, he thought. He could hear his mom trying to reassure him but his mind was spiraling and he couldn't focus. 

"Please leave me alone," Zayn pleaded.

♡

Zayn wasn't surprised when Harry ignored him all day at school. It also didn't surprise him that the other boys didn't try to talk to him as they had been. He was positive Harry had told them he was a freak, that they shouldn't talk to him ever again. 

He stayed after class with Mrs. Turner and tried to convince her that he needed to work alone. She read his note but denied his request and told him that he needed to work it out with them. 

Zayn knew they had plans to work at Liam's house for the project but he wasn't going to go. It would be too awkward and uncomfortable. Zayn was just settling into studying at home when there was a knock on the door. He usually let one of his sisters answer the door but they were still at school for various clubs so he had to open it.

Harry stood on the other side of the door. He looked sad and shy. Zayn hated it, he liked it when Harry was himself. 

"Hey," Harry tried to smile. "I just wanted to talk to you."

Surprised with himself, Zayn opened the door further and moved to the side so Harry could enter the house. Zayn motioned for him to follow him to his room.

"I didn't mean to freak you out last night. I wouldn't, I wasn't going to tell anyone. I wasn't trying to spy on you or whatever, I just got ready to leave. I'm sorry."

Zayn opened his mouth to respond to Harry, he already heard him talk so there was no sense in trying to stay quiet now. The words wouldn't come though, they felt stuck in his throat.

"Hey," Harry reached out and held onto Zayn's hand. "You don't have to talk in front of me."

 _I want to, I want to be normal,_ Zayn thought. Instead, he nodded and pulled out his phone to type a message to Harry.

_How come you aren't with the rest of the boys working on the project?_

"I told them I wasn't feeling well. How come you aren't?"

_They didn't try and talk to me today, I figured I wasn't welcome._

"That is probably my fault," Harry bit his bottom lip. "I told them I made you upset last night. Liam was going to invite you, I swear. He said I had to make things right. Which obviously I wanted to do anyway."

_Obviously?_

"Yeah," Harry frowned. "Yeah, I mean. We're friends right? I mean I know I talk too much and I can be annoying and none of my jokes have made you smile yet but, I thought we were friends."

This time Zayn reached out to Harry and wrapped his fingers around his wrist. Zayn smiled softly and nodded. 

"Friends," Zayn whispered.

Harry's eyes went wide but he smiled back and nodded. "Since I'm here, I figured we could study again?"

Zayn nodded and went to his laptop to put on some music. "Same as last time?" He turned to look at Harry who looked like he was in a daze. "You okay?"

"I always imagined what your voice would sound like," Harry stated. "It is different than I thought but in a good way. It's deeper, richer. Like dark chocolate."

Zayn could feel his cheeks turning red as Harry talked. His mom always complimented his voice but it was because she was thankful he actually talked to her. Harry's description sent shivers down his spine, it gave Zayn hope.

"Uh, thank you," Zayn stuttered.

"The music we listened to last time is great, by the way."

This time when Harry smiled, Zayn smiled himself and felt a twinge in his heart.

♡

Things changed after Zayn started talking to Harry but only slightly. When he worked with the other boys on the project, Zayn didn't talk to them. He still used his phone to communicate with them and Harry didn't let on that Zayn talked for which Zayn was very thankful for. Harry hung out with Zayn more one on one as well. They usually studied at Zayn's house, sometimes Tricia would convince Harry to stay for dinner. Other nights Harry would stay and watch a movie with his sisters, not even caring if Zayn was with them or not. 

As the days passed and their project was close to being done, Zayn often wondered if Harry was still going to talk to him afterward or not. He didn't expect him to, there wouldn't be a reason and no matter how many times Harry referred to them as friends Zayn knew it was fleeting. 

The Friday the project was due, Niall insisted they all go to his house for a celebration. Zayn wasn't going to go but Harry dragged him out of the house and to Niall's. They were in Niall's basement, Louis and Liam were playing Fifa while Niall strummed his guitar in the corner. Harry and Zayn were on the couch watching Louis obliterate Liam in the game.

"Hey," Harry whispered. "Want to go to the gas station with me?" Zayn nodded, eagerly and jumped off the couch. "We're going to the gas station boys, want anything?"

"Soda!" Liam yelled.

"Twizzlers!" Louis called out, "Liam mate, it is amazing how terrible you are."

"Niall?" Harry asked.

"Crisps, soda, Twizzlers, and maybe some type of chocolate."

Harry rolled his eyes and led Zayn out of the basement. "I figured we could walk since it's right down the street?"

"Okay," Zayn sighed.

"So, uh, how come you don't talk around everyone? You have a lovely voice."

Zayn was thankful for the darkness and the dimly lit street lights so Harry couldn't see his cheeks. 

"I have selective mutism. I have had it since I was little. My mom hoped I would grow out of it but," Zayn shrugged. "I have to be really comfortable around someone if I talk around them. That's why you heard me talk to my mom."

"What made you want to talk to me? I half expected you to tell me to fuck off."

Zayn laughed and shook his head. "I thought about it. You're comfortable to be around. You can be as hyper as Louis but you know when to stop. You never tried to get me to talk, you know? Most people think I'm weird or whatever and they either try to force me to talk or give up. You seemed content with how things were."

Harry stopped walking so Zayn did as well and turned back to look at Harry. His green eyes were shining in the streetlight and his pink lips were twisted up in a smile. Harry walked towards Zayn and used his fingers to caress Zayn's sharp jaw.

"I'm glad you decided to talk to me. I was content with how things were, you know. I never cared if you talked and I certainly didn't think you were weird."

"Harry," Zayn laughed. "Everyone thinks I'm weird."

"You're weird because you can eat some of the spiciest noodles I have ever had but you can't eat a lemon head. You can read for hours without falling asleep. You are the most gorgeous guy I have ever seen. You have beautiful hazel eyes and a wonderful voice. Now that you talk to me I never want you to be quiet."

Zayn's breath caught in his throat as Harry stepped closer to him. Harry smiled softly at Zayn before leaning down and capturing Zayn's lips in a kiss. Zayn inhaled deeply through his nose and shut his eyes tightly as Harry kissed him. Zayn allowed himself to enjoy the sensation for a few seconds before reality set in. 

The reality that Harry didn't know the real Zayn. He didn't know about the abuse Zayn endured as a kid to cause his selective mutism. He didn't know that Zayn couldn't even go to the grocery store most days. Zayn couldn't handle large crowds, he couldn't handle a teacher calling on him in class. Zayn was weird and Harry would grow tired of him.

Zayn pulled away from the kiss, his eyes filling with tears as Harry stared at him. 

"Zayn please," Harry tried to reach out for Zayn but he backed away.

"I have to go."

Zayn walked away from Harry, he could hear him yelling from behind him but he kept walking, eventually, he started to run home.

"Sunshine?" Tricia yelled from the living room. "You alright?"

Zayn didn't answer and when Tricia called him from the bottom of the stairs, he waved her off and locked himself in his room. Once in the comfort of his bed, he finally allowed himself to cry. 

_Pathetic, you're so pathetic Zayn. You ruin everything. You ruined your family, you ruined your chances of ever having friends. You scared away the one person who tried. You're so stupid. Why can't you be normal?_

♡

In the weeks following the completed project and the kiss, things went back to normal before the project even started. Liam, Louis, and Niall acted like Zayn didn't exist and Zayn continued to slip into the shadows. For the first few days after the kiss, Harry tried to interact with Zayn. He tried to catch his eyes in class, tried to sit with him at lunch and even tried to go to Zayn's house. 

Tricia tried to understand what was happening and urged Zayn to at least hear Harry out but Zayn refused. He let himself get too close to Harry and he knew he was only going to get hurt. 

Zayn's anxieties only increased since not being around Harry and he was having weekly panic attacks. He did his best to ignore the correlation. However, when he was in therapy and his therapist asked if anything changed to cause the increase, Zayn choked out Harry's name. 

It took three sessions but Zayn finally understood that Harry was trying to get to know Zayn. He wasn't getting close to him to hurt him. Zayn was worried he ruined everything, he was worried Harry had moved on and realized Zayn was complicated and made terrible assumptions. 

Zayn had never been to Harry's house and he was worried Liam wasn't going to give him the address. Liam said something about Zayn finally coming to his senses before sending him Harry's address. Zayn was nervous and thought he was going to puke as he knocked on Harry's door. Louis answered the door and Zayn opened his mouth to ask for Harry but he closed it. 

"I'll go get him," Louis said before walking away.

Zayn stood on Harry's doorstep and balled his hand into fists. He felt his chest tightening and his head started to feel dizzy.

"Zayn?" Harry's voice snapped Zayn out of his thought spiral. "Are you okay?"

Zayn shook his head as he tried to talk but the words wouldn't come. His throat felt dry and it felt like it was closing up. 

"H," Zayn cried. "Can't breathe."

Zayn tapped the center of his chest repeatedly as his other hand tugged on his hand.

"Come on," Harry spoke quietly as he lead him inside the house and sat him in the kitchen. 

Harry grabbed a washcloth from the sink and ran it under cold water before applying it to Zayn's neck.

"Let's count to ten," Harry told him. "One, two, three,"

When Harry finished counting he took Zayn's hand in his and told Zayn to take a deep breath. 

"I'm scared," Zayn admitted. "I've been through some really fucked up shit. I can't talk, I can't be in crowds, I can't function like a normal person. I was scared to let you in," Zayn rambled, still crying. "I'm scared to show you the parts of me I have been hiding for so long. I can't guarantee that I can do things with you. I can't guarantee I can change."

"Zayn," Harry smiled as he wiped away Zayn's tears. "I never wanted you to change. I just wanted to get to know you. I want to see the parts of you only the special people do. I want to be one of the special ones."

Zayn leaned forward and kissed Harry; it was sloppy and wet from Zayn's tears but Harry still smiled into it. 

"You are one of the special ones," Zayn whispered against Harry's lips.

"Hey Zayn," Harry smiled as he pulled away. "What do you call a group of disorganized cats?"

Zayn rolled his eyes. "What, Harry?"

"A cat-astrophe."

As much as Zayn didn't want to, he smiled widely and laughed. The sound radiated around the room and straight into Harry's heart.


End file.
